- At the beginning and conclusion of the dialogue (for 2 minutes), and between each speaker (for 2 slow breaths), maintain silence to focus intention and deepen understanding
We generally take some time in silence first, to allow the busyness of our minds to subside, to center in the Spirit and to focus on what we are being moved to say in the particular context. Quaker: Patricia Loring, Listening Spirituality 169
In order to make room to take in what each person has said, we leave a period of silence between speakers....We may need to explore our resonances with the resistances to one utterance, before we are ready to open to the speaking of yet another person. How much time there is to do this is a function both of how many people are present and of how much time has been allotted for the exercise. Quaker: Listening 169
The prime requisites for them that take counsel together are purity of motive, radiance of spirit, detachment from all else save God, attraction to His Divine Fragrances, humility and lowliness amongst His loved ones, patience and long-suffering in difficulties and servitude to His exalted Threshold. Baha'i: 'Abdu'l-Baha in John E. Kolstoe, Consultation 15
First and foremost among these favors, which the Almighty hath conferred upon man, is the gift of understanding. Baha'i: Baha'u'llah in Consultation 112
The Master said, Hear much, but maintain silence as regards doubtful points and be cautious in speaking of the rest; then you will seldom get into trouble. Confucianism: The Analects
- Listen deeply for new ideas and connections; speak truthfully and
respectfully
We can listen at the most profound level for what is being expressed, seeking points of unity rather than difference, sinking past irritability and defensiveness to a place of gentleness and tenderness for one another. Quaker: Listening 169
They must proceed with the utmost devotion, courtesy, dignity, care and moderation to express their views. Baha'i: 'Abdu'l-Baha in Consultation 22
If ye be aware of a certain truth, if ye possess a jewel, of which others are deprived, share it with them in a language of utmost kindliness and good will. Baha'i: Bah'u'llah in Consultation 24
Truthfulness is the foundation of all the virtues of mankind. Without truthfulness, progress and success in all of the worlds are impossible for a soul. Baha'i: 'Abdu'l-Baha in Consultation 164
And say we believe in what has been sent down to us and what has been sent down to you and our god and your god is one." Islam: Quran 29:46
Aware that words can create suffering or happiness, we are committed to learning to speak truthfully and constructively, using only words that inspire hope and confidence. We are determined not to say untruthful things for the sake of personal interest or to impress people, not to utter words that might cause division or hatred. We will not spread news that we do not know to be certain nor criticize or condemn things of which we are not sure. We will do our best to speak out about situations of injustice, even when doing so may threaten our safety. Buddhism: Thich Nhat Hanh, Interbeing
Silence, it is said, is better than speech. If speak you must, then it is better to say the truth. If truth is to be said, it is better to say what is agreeable; and if what is agreeable is to be said, then it is better to say what is consistent with morality. Hinduism: Vidura in Mahabharata
Learning makes one humble. Making genuine inquiries is considered to be a great virtue. Hinduism: Mahabharata
The Master said, Clever talk can confound the workings of moral force, just as small impatiences can confound great projects. Confucianism: The Analects
- Take turns: do not interrupt another speaker; address the whole group;
do not speak again until everyone else has spoken or the facilitator
indicates otherwise; limit your contribution to the amount of time
allocated by the facilitator
A wise man...does not interrupt the words of his associate, and does not hasten to reply. Judaism: Babylonian Talmud (BT), Sayings of the Fathers V:10
In Worship Sharing [Quaker Dialogue], we speak: only once before all have spoken; to the group, rather than to a particular individual; only if we are so moved (no one is required to speak); briefly, mindful that there are others who wish to share. Quaker practices
Out of silence, we respond to the query which the facilitator presents. The facilitator informs the group if members are to speak in a certain order or "as the Spirit moves." Quaker practices
[In a large group,] it's usually necessary to proceed around the circle in order to have enough time for each person to speak. A circle ensures that no one takes a back seat, feeling either left out or without responsibility for his part in what is coming forth. In a smaller, more intimate group, it is possible to wait on each person to speak as moved without being concerned about running over the allotted time or stopping before everyone has had time to speak. Quaker: Listening 170
One should not take what belongs to others (even time). That is an eternal obligation. Hinduism: Mahabharata
One that is possessed of a sound heart should utter words that are not fraught with dishonesty, that are not harsh, that are not cruel, that are not evil, and that are not characterized by garrulity. The universe is bound in speech. If disposed to renunciation (of all worldly objects) then should one proclaim, with a mind fraught with humility and cleansed understanding, one's own evil acts. Hinduism: Mahabharata
- Before speaking, take time to calm any anger, frustration, or upset, and to let go of the desire to convince others of your views
The openness and restraint of the listening make it extremely helpful in situations requiring conflict resolution. Quaker: Listening 171
Say: all things are of God. This exalted utterance is like unto water for quenching the fire of hate and enmity which smoldereth within the hearts and breasts of men. By this single utterance contending peoples and kindreds will attain the light of true unity. Baha'i: Baha'ullah in Consultation 177
How couldst thou forget thine own faults and busy thyself with the faults of others? Who so doeth this is accursed of Me. Baha'i: Bah'u'llah in Consultation 178
Let not your heart be offended with any one.... Beware! Beware! Lest ye offend any heart. Baha'i: 'Abdu'l-Baha in Consultation 179
They must in every matter search out the truth and not insist upon their own opinion, for stubbornness and persistence in one's views leads ultimately to discord and wrangling and the truth will remain hidden. The honored members must with all freedom express their own thoughts, and it is in no wise permissible for one to belittle the thought of another, nay, he must with moderation set forth the truth. Baha'i: 'Abdu'l-Baha in Consultation 25-26
Argue with them in the nicest way. Islam: Quran 16:125
When two quarrel, he who keeps silence first is more praiseworthy. Judaism: BT Kiddushin 71b
Aware that anger blocks communication and creates suffering, we are determined to take care of the energy of anger when it arises and to recognize and transform the seeds of anger that lie deep in our consciousness. When anger comes up, we are determined not to do or say anything, but to practice mindful breathing or mindful walking and acknowledge, embrace, and look deeply into our anger. We will learn to look with the eyes of compassion at ourselves and at those we think are the cause of our anger. Buddhism: Hanh, Interbeing
To control speech, O king, is said to be most difficult. It is not easy to hold a long conversation uttering words full of meaning and delightful to the hearers. Well-spoken speech is productive of many beneficial results; and ill-spoken speech is the cause of evil. A forest pierced by arrows, or cut down by hatchets may again grow, but one's heart wounded and censured by ill-spoken words never recovers. Weapons such as arrows, bullets and bearded darts, can be easily extracted from the body, but a wordy dagger plunged deep into the heart is incapable of being taken out. Wordy arrows are shot from the mouth. Smitten by them one grieves day and night. A learned man should not discharge such arrows, for do they not touch the very vitals of others? Hinduism: Vidura in Mahabharata
- Reach decisions by majority vote, but only after making great effort to
create consensus
Aware of the suffering created by attachment to views and wrong perceptions, we are determined to avoid being narrow-minded and bound to present views. We shall learn and practice nonattachment from views in order to be open to others' insights and experiences. We are aware that the knowledge we presently possess is not changeless, absolute truth. Truth is found in life, and we will observe life within and around us in every moment, ready to learn throughout our lives. Buddhism: Hanh, Interbeing
Aware that lack of communication always brings separation and suffering, we are committed to training ourselves in the practice of compassionate listening and loving speech. We will learn to listen deeply without judging or reacting and refrain from uttering words that can create discord or cause the community to break. We will make every effort to keep communications open and to reconcile and resolve all conflicts, however small. Buddhism: Hanh. Interbeing
The honored members of the Spiritual Assembly should exert their efforts so that no differences may occur, and if such differences do occur, they should not reach the point of causing conflict, hatred and antagonism, which lead to threats. When you notice that a stage has been reached when enmity and threats are about to occur, you should immediately postpone discussion of the subject, until wranglings, disputations, and loud talk vanish, and a propitious time is at hand. Baha'i: 'Abdu'l-Baha in Consultation 180-81
Should differences of opinion arise a majority of voices must prevail, and all must obey and submit to the majority. Baha'i: 'Abdu'l-Baha in Consultation 26
***
On that day, Rabbi Eliezer put forward all the arguments in the world, but the Sages did not accept them. Finally, he said to them, "If the law is according to me, let that carob tree prove it." He pointed to a nearby carob tree, which then moved from its place a hundred cubits, and some say, four hundred cubits. They said to him, "One cannot bring a proof from the moving of a carob tree."
Said Rabbi Eliezer, "If the law is according to me, may that stream of water prove it." The stream of water then turned and flowed in the opposite direction. They said to him, "One cannot bring a proof from the behavior of a stream of water."
Said Rabbi Eliezer, "If the law is according to me, may the walls of the House of Study prove it." The walls of the House of Study began to bend inward. Rabbi Joshua then rose up and rebuked the walls of the House of Study. "If the students of the wise argue with one another in matters of Jewish law," he said, "what right have you to interfere?" In honor of Rabbi Joshua, the walls ceased to bend inward; but in honor of Rabbi Eliezer, they did not straighten up, and they remain bent to this day.
Then said Rabbi Eliezer to the Sages, "If the law is according to me, may a proof come from Heaven." Then a heavenly voice went forth and said, "What have you to do with Rabbi Eliezer? The law is according to him in every place." Then Rabbi Joshua rose up on his feet, and said: "It is not in the heavens" [a quote from Deuteronomy 30:12].
What did he mean by quoting this? Said Rabbi Jeremiah, "He meant that since the Torah has already been given on Mount Sinai, we do not pay attention to a heavenly voice; for God Himself has written in the Torah, 'Decide according to the majority,'" [Exodus 23:2].
Rabbi Nathan met the prophet Elijah. He asked him, "What was the Holy One, blessed be He, doing in that hour?" Said Elijah, "He was laughing and saying, 'My children have defeated me, my children have defeated me.'" Judaism: BT Bava Mezia 59b
- After the dialogue guidelines have been adopted by the group, take responsibility for following, and helping others to follow, the guidelines
It is again not permitted that any of the honored members object to or censure, whether in or out of the meeting, any decision arrived at previously, though that decision be not right, for such criticism would prevent any decision from being enforced. Baha'i: 'Abdu'l-Baha in Consultation 26